How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
