I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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