I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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