i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just tell him i said nine months
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Everyone says I win the strip club
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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