He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
