just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
