So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
