I just cut my nipple shaving
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
