you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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