i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
