I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
