my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
