my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
