just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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