I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
