Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
