I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
