I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
