12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
