I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
