They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
