Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
When did angry sex become our thing?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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