I didn't shave. On purpose
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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