thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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