I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
