You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Randomize
