Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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