Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
