Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
