So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
ttyl tear gas
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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