There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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