If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Operation Purity has been aborted
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
