You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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