Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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