Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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