Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my shit smells like andre
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
