she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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