My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
