I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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