dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
