would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
