Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize