I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
