It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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