pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
