look no pants
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
