I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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