I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
