Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She needs sedatives and a leash
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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