I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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