he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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