I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
