Kiss
Puke
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
