You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
