you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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