Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
